Bloody Orkney

This bloody town's a bloody cuss
No bloody trains, no bloody bus,
And no one cares for bloody us
In bloody Orkney.

The bloody roads are bloody bad,
The bloody folks are bloody mad,
They'd make the brightest bloody sad,
In bloody Orkney.

All bloody clouds, and bloody rains,
No bloody kerbs, no bloody drains,
The Council's got no bloody brains,
In bloody Orkney.

Everything's so bloody dear,
A bloody bob, for bloody beer,
And is it good? - no bloody fear,
In bloody Orkney.

The bloody 'flicks' are bloody old,
The bloody seats are bloody cold,
You can't get in for bloody gold
In bloody Orkney.

The bloody dances make you smile,
The bloody band is bloody vile,
It only cramps your bloody style,
In bloody Orkney.

No bloody sport, no bloody games,
No bloody fun, the bloody dames
Won't even give their bloody names
In bloody Orkney.

Best bloody place is bloody bed,
With bloody ice on bloody head,
You might as well be bloody dead,
In bloody Orkney

There's nothing greets your bloody eye
But bloody sea and bloody sky,
'Roll on demob!' we bloody cry
In bloody Orkney.

Hamish Blair
I seem to remember that the author was a sailor posted at Scapa Flow. That would explain it. It needs explaining beco's apparently Orcadians are generally friendly. Non-stop party-time: lots of pubs and only one bobby. The trouble is - thanks to oil money and price gouging by airlines - it costs you an arm and a leg to get there - sorry, a bloody arm and leg.

Actually, the internet has supplied this riposte from the locals:

Captain Hamish 'Bloody' Blair
Isnae posted here nae mair
But no-one seems tae bloody care
In bloody Orkney.

This stanza is certainly in the right spirit, but I'm not entirely convinced. It appears to be pretty standard lowland scots, which is not what they speak in the Orkneys. But i don't bloody care.

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